How to Deal with Emotional Self Harm
When we hear the phrase “Self Harm” we typically think of what the media has so wrongfully portrayed of the “emo boy” teenager wearing all black, who has scars from cutting under his sleeve. In reality, self - harm means exactly what it says, harm to oneself. It can take form physically, emotionally, or mentally and all roots from the same emotion we all feel from time to time, pain. Emotionally, No one copes the same when dealing with distressing events. Us who suffer with anxiety and/or depression, are led to what feels like a twister of emotions that can change our mood in an instant. In hopes of a release from our painful emotions bottled up in our minds and body, some decide to turn to the inappropriate behavior of physical self-harm. Now let’s dive deeper to see what leads to emotional self harm.
Emotional self-harm consists of words or actions we generate that damage our emotional or mental well-being. In other words, unconsciously thinking negative thoughts about yourself or, willingly doing something even when you know it’ll hurt you. Some of us will endure harsher emotional self - harm than others because it is tied to our childhood and adolescent experiences and the kind of criticism we’ve heard growing up. Whether it’s from our family, a teacher, bullies ect. Maybe your parents are too strict? Or there is a history of neglect, sexual abuse, or bullying? Or your emotional needs were not being met during your early years. If you live years being told something negative about yourself like “you are not good enough.” You will soon enough believe it. If a person undergoes more emotional abuse than another, they will lack more self esteem and most likely suffer from a more severe form of emotional self - harm.
What emotional self harm can look like:
Your inner critic becoming your own worst enemy
Telling yourself you are not good enough
Shaming yourself
Saying nasty things to yourself such as “ You are fat and ugly.”
Hooking up with someone when you didn’t want to, then letting yourself do so because you felt the need to please the other person (it is not your fault! This happens more often than you think)
Attracting the similar type of negative or abusive people into your life
People pleasing to be liked by others
Self-sabotaging
Procrastinating
Hidden drains of time and energy
Wasting money
Holding back on your dreams
Avoiding important tasks
Disordered eating
Staying trapped in the same destructive and recurring problems
Steps to deal with your inner critic:
Remember your inner critic is there to protect you
Create your internal voice and change the dialogue to a more caring one instead of cruel one
Increase your self awareness and call it out, swap its disapproval with positive affirmations instead
Talk to yourself as you were to talk to a loved one (you would never speak to a love one the way you speak harshly to yourself)
Be your own best friend
Working with a therapist can be very beneficial in uncovering your inner critic, practicing working with it, and creating a more positive inner dialogue
If you struggle with people pleasing, take these steps:
In our daily lives, we are expected to please people in places such as school, work, and with family. But if you feel the consistent need to please others outside of those places, you are choosing their happiness over your own just to be liked. Bless your soul for being so selfless, but if it starts to affect your own bliss and emotions, that’s when it becomes a problem. Ask yourself this:
Whose life am I living?
So why am I constantly choosing to meet other people’s needs instead of my own?
Slowly accept the fact that not everyone will like you and that is okay
Then, adjust yourself to realize that saying no to people is in fact an option, and sometimes the better one
Realize you do not need to explain yourself to anyone
Slowly but surely and one “I can’t I’m sorry” at a time, you’ll start to feel how putting your wellbeing first is best for both you and your loved ones
If you struggle feeling trapped in destructive reoccurring problems: This works for self sabotage as well
Seek help from a mental health counselor or loved one that will give you some tough love
Do not beat yourself up, it is hard to break a pattern without guidance
You may benefit from Schema Therapy
I can give you all the fancy words that you may or may not understand, but in simple terms, one’s schemas are one’s own outlines on how to live life or mental notes that include how to organize your thoughts and behavior.
E.g. Social schema includes your knowledge of how to act in certain social settings
Schemas are developed in our childhood
They are unconscious thoughts meaning we aren’t aware of them
They are our beliefs E.g. “Everyone always abandons me.”
They are consistent and affect one’s decision making everyday
Not becoming aware of maladaptive schemas - Dysfunctional pattern of behavior, can lead us to toward what we’re familiar to instead of, what is truly best for us
Working with a therapist is the best way to work on your schemas because it provides a safe, judgment free zone with a professional to work on these maladaptive schemas and adapt to healthier ways of relating and coping instead.
If you struggle with disordered eating:
Check out these treatment centers that offer FREE programs to help you conquer your eating disorder
https://www.allianceforeatingdisorders.com/recovery-programs-and-support/
(Source: https://myonlinetherapy.com/emotional-self-harm/)